• Devora Krasnianski

There are no rules in Shiduchim. Part 9

by Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad Institute

When to get back to the shadchan?

Perhaps, the most important part of the discussion with the shadchan is about how you will work together on the shiduch.  This would include how to share about yourself/ your single, how quickly you would call back after doing your ‘research’, after the dates, etc.

While the word on the street is that you must get back to the shadchan with 3 days of hearing of a shiduch suggestion, for some that simply isn’t possible.  Let your shadchan know that upfront.  “I will get back to you in 8 days.”  You might share your reasoning, but you really don’t have to.  “I have a simmcha out of town.” “I have a huge deadline at work.” “My single is out of the country and we will not be able to have a conversation about this shiduch.”

Similarly, many shadchanim expect to hear back from both ‘sides’ the morning after the date.  Sometimes, that is not possible.  Time zones, unaligned work schedules, the single needs some ‘awake’ time to process.  If you know before the dates that it will be impossible to update the shadchan until the day after, let her know upfront.  “My single comes home too late for me to have a conversation at night, and mornings are too rushed. The first time I can have a few minutes for a real conversation is later that evening. I will let you know by the next morning.”

If your single needs time to reflect, you can let the shadchan know that there will be a slight delay.  “My single needs some more time to think things through. He works all day and can’t really give much time and headspace during the day.”

The shadchan should not have to chase either of you down.  Be a mench to the shadchan and to the other side. Keep everyone updated about when they should expect to hear from your side.

One experienced shadchan says that “if neither contacts me I assume they both need time to contemplate – and I want to be generous and give them that time to think. I don’t push anyone.”

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